A bit of light-hearted festive fun from wine writer Stephen Brook
Unable to attend the Bordeaux en primeur tastings this year, I consoled myself by sampling the early drafts of some Shakespeare plays at the British Library.
KING LEAR
The elderly King Lear decides to divide his kingdom between his daughters Barbera, Syrah, and Falanghina. They accept with glee. He then descends on their palaces with his hundred clones and rootstocks but they tell him to shove off. Distressed and confused, the king wanders onto Hampstead Heath, where he is picked up by Tom. Unknown to him, Tom is an undercover cop, and Lear is arrested and taken to Reading Gaol. His favourite daughter Falanghina takes pity on the old man, and sends him on a world cruise. Amusing but a bit short on the finish. 89/100.
THE TEMPEST
Prospero is working on his Cuvée Prestige with his cellar rat Caliban. During the night Prospero’s deranged daughter Miranda sneaks into the winery and adds sugar to the vats, provoking a secondary fermentation. The next day Prospero’s importer from Milan arrives and declares the wine undrinkable and cancels his order. Prospero begs for time and says he will fix the problem with ‘rough magic’. He sends it off for reverse osmosis treatment, the importer is delighted, and both takes the shipment and marries Miranda. A particularly joyful cuvée. 92/100.
ROMEO AND JULIET
Prince Romeo of Valpolicella and Countess Juliet of Soave are secretly engaged even though their families are feuding. While their elders are fighting in the streets, Romeo and Juliet go off to the cathedral crypt, where Juliet’s nurse gives them a deadly poison instead of a calming Amarone. Whoops! The young lovers die in agony while an indifferent world roars on. The Nurse takes early retirement. A most unsatisfactory blend and outcome. 78/100.
HAMLET
The prince of Denmark is dismayed when his uncle murders his father and weds his mother Jocasta. But he is more interested in higher education than revenge, so goes to Heidelberg to pursue media studies. His sister Ophelia is also enrolled, and Hamlet is enraged when she has an affair with Guildenstern. He decides to kill them both, but can’t remember their address. He returns to Denmark, challenges his uncle to a duel, but his uncle sends Polonius in his stead, cunningly disguised as the king. Before the duel Jocasta proposes a toast: everyone knocks back a mistakenly poisoned glass of Danish Muller-Thurgau and falls down dead. A polished performance, with an appealing structure. 92/100
MACBETH
Macbeth and his wife Lady kill the king of Scotland and seize the throne as well as one of the best claret cellars in the country. They fire the porter whose constant inebriation and out-of-tune singing are explained by his access to the cellar and the wretched mulled wine concocted by the Weird Sisters. The Macbeths confiscate the keys, move to Gleneagles, and live happily ever after. Simple and lacks dimension and complexity. 79/100.
TRISTAN AND ISEULT
Tristan and Iseult fall in love while their families are feuding in the streets of Cornwall. Tristan’s servant Kurwenal orders a case of Pomerol for the young lovers, but they are not keen on the vintage. Kurwenal can’t get his money back and declares bankruptcy. Iseult’s Nurse orders a magic potion, but soon loses interest. Clearly a preliminary blend and may not be by Shakespeare. 60/100.
AS YOU LIKE IT
Rosalind, disguised as a wrestler, is banished to the Forest of Allier. Here she meets the master cooper Jaques, who bores her rigid, and so she returns to the court disguised as a bush vine. Orlando seduces her and takes her to Australia, where they found a winery. Tedious stuff, with few jokes and some tuneless songs, although ‘Hey Nonny No’ may well be the original source for ‘Hey Jude’. A Penfold’s special promotion. 70/100
KING HENRY IV PT 2
Fat Prince Hal is desperate to lose weight before riding to Westminster for his eventual coronation. He calls on fitness guru Jack Falstaff but pays scant attention to the Falstaff Diet, preferring to stick to cakes and ale. On the day of his coronation Jack refuses to help Prince Hal onto his horse and mocks him. Hal is late for the coronation, and the throne passes to his younger brother Norman. Falstaff is ennobled and dispatched to discover America, which he does. In a patriotic gesture he names the new capital Halifax. A magnificent and complex cuvée. Amazingly long: four hours without an interval. Sheer genius. 98/100
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING TROILUS
Troilus and his twin brother Septimus are born in the same chariot, but they end up being placed in the wrong coracles. When they are found among the bulrushes, Septimus is acclaimed as King of Troy, whereas Troilus, the rightful king, is sent to study accountancy. Only Pandarus knows the true state of affairs, but decides he’s better off keeping his mouth shut. Pandarus sends his niece Gwendolen to seduce Troilus, not realising he is gay. After two acts the proceedings grind to a halt. A poor and unsatisfactory product that may well not be genuine. 62/100
ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA
The infatuated Roman general, trying to pass the time in provincial Alexandra, opens an inn, with Cleopatra as a silent partner. Feasting with Enobarbus and Pompey, he is taken aback when his wife Octavia stops by and orders the plat du jour: Egyptian asp masala. Cleopatra arrives and, torn by jealousy, seizes a live asp and clasps it to her bosom. Antony snatches it away and saves her life. He then departs for the Battle of Actium. The lonely Cleopatra sells the inn and drifts up and down the Nile in her gilded barge, singing of her lost love. Antony is defeated in battle and returns to Rome to claim his pension, but is arrested and imprisoned by Caesar. Cleopatra goes mad. An interesting if quirky blend, with too many blind alleys, including the Allées de Cantemerle. 86/100
PERICLES
Pericles, not realising he is a prince of the ruling house, runs a chariot repair shop. He achieves great success and becomes known in Athens, jokingly, as the Prince of Tyres. Unknown to Pericles, there really is a Prince of Tyre, who arrives in Athens disguised as a shepherd. He tells how he was asked to take a small child and abandon him in the hills of Thrace. Nobody believes his story, as he doesn’t have a shepherd’s accent. The true and the false Prince meet and fight a duel. A frivolous bottle, and only rated 73/100. However, as reworked by consultant Alain Brumont, steeped in new oak, and renamed La Tyre, it achieves real distinction and is rated 90/100.
JULIUS CAESAR
The Roman general, returned in triumph from the wars, opens a salad bar in the city. He cunningly creates controversy by offering two versions, with or without tuna. Brutus and Mark Antony, in their restaurant review column, condemn the salad as too ‘ambitious’ and find it unpalatable with the local wine Tignanello. When Caesar dies of food poisoning, the critics are suspected of murder. No charges are brought, as they are honourable men. Brutus adds anchovies to the salad, which becomes immensely popular. Mark Antony opens a franchise business, with branches as far away as Carthage and Folkestone. The action ends when Brutus and Mark Antony promote an orgy with their friend Petronius, and the stage is filled with naked revellers and an ‘as much as you can eat’ salad bar. Titillating, but rather limited in its spectrum. 85/100.
My thanks to Stephen – I confess I laughed out loud at one or two of these 🙂