NWR The s**t jokes thread

My grandfather did and his health was wrecked, I think it killed him eventually. Ghastly stuff was mustard gas and both side thought so, thus no side was first to use gas in WWII as they fear the consequences of gas being used in retaliation.
Mine too. I thought it was "just" coal dust from working down the pit, but apparently he was gassed too in WWI, which in combination wrecked his lungs. We actually have a lot to be grateful for now, but are also sometimes blind to the problems of today around the world, and also here. No apologies from me for being serious for a moment, but let the jokes continue :)
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Welcome to the mental health care hot line:

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are dyslexic, press 969696969

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and someone will beam you up to the Mothership

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, mother‘s maiden name and your national insurance number.

- If you have low self-esteem, hang up now. All the operators are too busy to talk to you.
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But perhaps less so if you or someone close to you is living with one of those serious mental health conditions.
Sorry Paul that it caused you offence, I am more than happy to remove my post. I did think long and hard about posting it because I feared this may happen, at a time when the nation’s physical and mental health seems to be on the downslope, with an increasing focus on the latter. But I thought overall it was pretty innocuous, not designed to cause offence, and at the same time funny; and recognise some of these conditions in myself (OCD, paranoia and amnesia) and people I have been surrounded with for periods of my life. Being a Leeds United supporter has also had an adverse effect on my mental health over the last 20 years.