NWR The s**t jokes thread

Elderly Scot lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......


'pipper off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
 
A man goes into a bar, orders a drink and starts munching on the free bowl of peanuts in front of him. All of a sudden a very seductive woman's voice emanates from the nuts, telling him how handsome and well dressed he is. Rather taken aback, he stumbles over to the cigarette machine and puts in some money. At once a raucous man's voice, full of swear words, berates him for daring to use the machine and tells him to f*** off. He stumbles over to the bar and tells his bizarre story to the barman, who replies:
"Ah, that's simple - the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine's out of order".
 
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing.

My dad is so scared that when my mum has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
 
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