NWR The s**t jokes thread

[Jeremy Caan]

A couple to brighten up a dreary Monday

I wouldn’t count myself among Ray Winston's most ardent admirers - when asked what might happen if Brexit didn’t ‘get done’ he said there would be a ‘webellion’ - and at times his acting can be comedic for the wrong reasons … but I found this to be very funny, as did the illustrious actors sitting next to him:

Peter Sellers is probably my favourite comedian of all time and perfected the Michael Caine impression decades before it became a cottage industry with the likes of Coogan and Brydon.

Peter Sellers Italian restaurant joke - Google Search

Nice.

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night... not Happy...

Do you know the average height of a dwarf is 3 feet?

It’s a little gnome fact

 

[Ian Hampsted]

Who the f*ck lets off fireworks in October? My poor dog is hiding under the Christmas tree.

 

[Dan Baillie]

Who the f*ck lets off fireworks in October? My poor dog is hiding under the Christmas tree.

For a moment, I thought that I had opened the silly little things that annoy you thread!

 

[Michael Sheridan]

Many people ask me why and how I can drink so much wine…..

well, it’s because I have a genetic condition, whereby my body does not produce its own alcohol.
I therefore have to take regular supplements

 

[Keith Prothero]

 

[Neil Holland]

My pet mouse Elvis died today; was caught in a trap

 

[Michael Sheridan]

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

 

[Mark Henderson]

Butterflies are not what they used to be.

 

[Keith Prothero]

Donald Trump .

 

[David Pope]

You beat me to it, Keith.

 

[Dan Vyvyan]

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

Mike’s already done the filthy orange joke on Friday guys

 

[Jason Michelle]

Sorry I know it’s not a joke but this just tickled me as it’s so bloody true!!

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I just spent all my life savings on pasta

It was worth every penne

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I couldn’t get my balloon model of an elephant to fit into the back seat of my car

So I had to pop the trunk

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I said to my phone “hey siri, why am I so bad with women”

She replied “I’m Alexa you moron!”

 

[Michael Sheridan]

I just got back from the doctor. He said I could play with myself whenever I want.

My wife said “that’s not what he meant by “you could have a stroke at any time” !”

 

[Tom Cannavan]

All, we've had the Trump reference, so let's leave it at that or confine any more to the Politics forum please.

 

[Jeremy Caan]

I said to my phone “hey siri, why am I so bad with women”

She replied “I’m Alexa you moron!”

Very cheerful contributions today, Michael, thank you.

 

[Keith Prothero]

 

[Thom Blach]

I don't think there's ever been a WP thread that has so successfully and precisely stayed on topic as this one.

 

[Paul Anderson]

I don't think there's ever been a WP thread that has so successfully and precisely stayed on topic as this one.

I disagree - there has been some rather good jokes.

 

[Thom Blach]

I disagree - there has been some rather good jokes.

Since the funniest jokes are generally the worst, particularly because the worse the joke the funnier it becomes on repetition, I don't regard good jokes as being in a different category to bad ones.

 

[Ian Hampsted]

A friend of mine had been dating an optician for a while and decided to break up with her.

He took her out for dinner and said ‘I can’t see you anymore.’ She leant forward and said ‘can you see me now?’

 

[Neil Holland]

A friend of mine had been dating an optician for a while and decided to break up with her.

He took her out for dinner and said ‘I can’t see you anymore.’ She leant forward and said ‘can you see me now?’

Very short sighted of him to split up with her...