- Location
- Berkshire
NWR The s**t jokes thread
- Thread starter Jeremy Caan
- Start date
- Location
- South Africa and UK
I accidentally rubbed tomato sauce in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Now I have Heinzsight.
- Location
- London
What do you do if you find yourself addicted to seaweed.
Sea kelp.
Sea kelp.
- Location
- Bexley, SE London/Kent
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d ever been with.
She said yes, the rest were at least 8s or 9s
She said yes, the rest were at least 8s or 9s
- Location
- South Africa and UK
- Location
- Deep South of Cambridgeshire
Good old man's joke ;-)
- Location
- South Africa and UK
Yes it’s not really a joke 
- Location
- Belfast, Northern Ireland
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets, and leaves.
He tells the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me.”
“That's just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied.
“I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued, so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times, and after eating them again, the owner said, "well what's the trick?" To which the Irishman replied, "look in the English man's pocket...."
The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets, and leaves.
He tells the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me.”
“That's just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied.
“I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued, so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times, and after eating them again, the owner said, "well what's the trick?" To which the Irishman replied, "look in the English man's pocket...."
- Location
- Staffordshire
As tensions rise, Germany is stockpiling sausages and cheese. It’s government is preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.
- Location
- London
I refer the honourable gentleman to post #722 on New Year’s Eve 2024
- Location
- Staffordshire
I did have a quick trawl to see if this had already been posted, obviously missed it.
- Location
- London
Well Ed it is even more apposite now because things are not exactly humming in Germany right now. Seems like their economic model is kaput, at least for now.
- Location
- Europe
Such a cheesy line.
- Location
- Scotland
Its the thin end of the wedge but I don't see the link.
- Location
- Bexley, SE London/Kent
My new jumper kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge
They gave me another one, free of charge
- Location
- London
Presumably fearing an attack from the Ruskies?
- Location
- Dunedin, New Zealand
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender "what's with the meat?"
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?"
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, "I think I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?"
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, "I think I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
- Location
- South Africa and UK
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
- Location
- Europe
Q: What comes out of the ground at 100 miles an hour shouting "Knickers, knickers, knickers!"
A: Crude oil.
Q: What comes out of the ground at 100 miles an hour shouting "Underwear, underwear, underwear"?
A: Refined oil.
A: Crude oil.
Q: What comes out of the ground at 100 miles an hour shouting "Underwear, underwear, underwear"?
A: Refined oil.
- Location
- London and Girona
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician watch two cockroaches go into an empty sealed box. Some ten minutes later three cockroaches come out.
The biologist: "Good grief those things breed fast".
The physicist: "No, we have a problem with the measurements".
The mathematician: "Now if one goes in the box'll be empty".
The biologist: "Good grief those things breed fast".
The physicist: "No, we have a problem with the measurements".
The mathematician: "Now if one goes in the box'll be empty".
- Location
- South Africa and UK
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, "I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is."
He said, "Have to love Easter, baby."
He said, "Have to love Easter, baby."
- Location
- South Africa and UK
I'm confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living!?!
- Location
- South Africa and UK
I ran into a lamppost yesterday.
Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.
Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.
- Location
- Europe
Getting old...
- Location
- Europe
Aww...
