NWR The s**t jokes thread

A gentleman walks into a fish and chip shop, surveys the brightly lettered menu behind the counter, makes his choice and asks the chap doing the frying for 'pissoles and chips, please'. The fryer looks a little embarrassed and says 'oh, I do beg your pardon, sir, it's meant to be an R'. Unflustered, the customer responds 'oh,don't worry, I'll have arseholes and chips then'.
 
There was a child at primary school called Justin Regan who promised us he knew a really really really funny one. But every time he tried to tell it he would dissolve in helpless giggles. We were probably in Year 3 by the time he had acquired enough self-composure to get all the way to the punchline. The joke was:

“What does Superman eat for tea?”
“Supercakes.”

After briefly trying his hand at theology in later life, he disappeared into the City.
 
Slightly on topic for the Forum.

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don't have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.
So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.
The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"
The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"
The bartender says, "No."
So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"
 
Thom Blach said:
A gentleman walks into a fish and chip shop, surveys the brightly lettered menu behind the counter, makes his choice and asks the chap doing the frying for 'pissoles and chips, please'. The fryer looks a little embarrassed and says 'oh, I do beg your pardon, sir, it's meant to be an R'. Unflustered, the customer responds 'oh,don't worry, I'll have arseholes and chips then'.
Click to expand...
Had to look at that for 2 minutes before I got it.
 
From my favourite magician:

I went to the dentist the other day. He said "your teeth are fine but your gums gotta come out".

I asked him why his chair goes in and out when other dentists' go up and down? He replied "you're in my filing cabinet".
 
A drunk was sitting at the end of a bar when a beautiful woman walked in and sat her self further down the bar. Shortly afterwards a smartly-dressed, smooth-looking, man walked in and sat next to her, turned to her and said ‘tickle my arse with a feather’….she turned around indignantly and said ‘I beg your pardon?‘ to which he swiftly replied ‘particularly nasty weather’. The drunkard was impressed by this and the smartly dressed man walked out leaving the woman sitting on her own. By now he was very drunk but he plucked up the courage and staggered over to the seat vacated by the other man. ‘Stick a feather up my arse’ …he slurred. ‘Excuse me??’…. ‘it’s pissing down outside’.
 
I walked into the butcher the other day and asked him "have you got a sheep's head?" "No," he replied, "It's just the way I part my hair."

I walked into the butcher the other day and he was standing with his back to a roaring fire. "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?" I asked. "No," he replied, "I'm just warming my hands."

Courtesy the late, great Chic Murray :)
 
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